I've Seen This Place Before

I do not like being a novice.  (I do not like it, Sam I Am.)

I like to learn... and then share what I know as a resource for others around me.  I've recognized this innate drive for a long time.  I've built success in my current career from letting this drive guide me.  I am excited when people come to me for information.  And, as a training professional, people reach out to me from across the US to ask me questions about instructional design and use of technology in learning.  And it energizes me.

But I started someplace.  And it wasn't pretty.

In my boss' office, with sticky notes on a wall.

It was the first training course I ever built that was going to be distributed to managers in the entire workforce.  Any manager in the company would see my training, from chef managers up through the VPs.  I'd have no problem with that at all today.  But there was this one thing: When I was assigned as the project lead 15 years ago, I had never developed a full training course before.  A lesson here and there on certain topics, yes.  But a three-hour classroom course that was going to be cascaded through the HR team to every manager up through the executive level of the company?

So, my boss had called me in her office to talk me through the content and how we could structure it. After my flailing a bit on where to begin with this seemingly massive project, we started with key ideas on sticky notes and then organized them into modules on her wall.  We spent hours just going back and forth - me not understanding the best ways to scaffold content and her just allowing the discussion to happen.  I remember feeling like an idiot during our entire work session.  But at the end, I walked away with a structure for what became my first classroom training program.

Something  emotional happened that day.  The stress of spending time in a place where I was the novice - of trying to do something that I'd never done before and struggling to find my way - was intense.  And it all hit me after the work session with my boss.  I remember taking a break to release a few tears at the lake.  Then coming back at it.  I just wanted it to be right and was totally afraid of embarrassing myself in front of executives with poor training.

Why am I sharing this story on a blog about my calling to music ministry?  Because I visited this emotional place again yesterday.  Of being a novice.  Of feeling inadequate to serve my calling.  And man, it was not pretty.

Let's just say, I struggled with self-doubt.  A lot of it.  And was lucky enough to have two Music Directors on hand to listen, receive, and respond to my cries.  I was comforted in their stories of similar feelings.  But, I admit, I hurt yesterday.  In my head, I was screaming, "I'm not worthy of this calling!"

Thankfully, memories of starting out in my training career have reminded me that this is just the beginning.

There is a flame that burns deep inside me.  And a few tears cannot drown it.