How I've Kept Busy

These past few weeks have been emotionally pretty challenging for me.  My sense of self-worth is built on being helpful.  So I spent the first few weeks of January trying to convince myself that I could be helpful in ways beyond directing the music program at ORUUC.  Ashton has taken over the program so seamlessly that I felt kind of "empty" with such a reduced workload.  And since school doesn't start until later this week, I didn't think I would have much to fill the void.  Thankfully, that wasn't the case.

First came a request from Anna Thomas, the Music Director at First Presbyterian, to sing "O, Divine Redeemer" for a memorial service.  I gladly agreed and the whole experience was so fulfilling.  It met my need to fill the time void with rehearsing as well as my desire to be helpful.  The service was this past weekend and I was filled with such gratitude to be able to share my voice. 

Next, my new status as "student" afforded me the opportunity to attend a presentation by President Obama, Vice President Biden, and Second Lady Dr Jill Biden at my new school, Pellissippi State Community College. I mean, what are the chances?  That I now live in Tennessee, that I decided to go back to school, that I registered at Pellissippi, that I got a ticket in the lottery, that my work schedule is flexible enough to allow me to attend... It was just a once in a lifetime opportunity.  I truly enjoyed it, despite my rants on starving that many of you have heard.

I've also spent time with my family.  We all went to see the new "Annie" movie, then my daughter and I watched the stage production in Knoxville.  We also went with some friends to see "Into the Woods."  I like to think of this extra time with the kids as making up for all the time I didn't see them in the Fall, but really I think my kids don't know what to do with me when I'm around.  I get groans when I say I'm making dinner at home instead of going out.  :)

Most recently, I've filled my time with anti-racism work.  I've co-led an effort at our church (with Heidi Brenner) to create an Allies for Racial Equity group.  We had our first meeting this weekend and I was really pleased with the turnout.  Many of us attended the local MLK Fellowship Breakfast this morning and several others participated in the Knoxville MLK Day parade.  We have a group of 6 people getting trained to deliver Beloved Conversations workshops next weekend, so that our entire congregation can benefit from this powerful workshop.  We've got a group planning to join the 50th Anniversary of the "Bloody Sunday" March in Selma.  And there are so many more ideas coming forward from this team.  I'm really proud to be a part of it.

So, there you have it... how I spent the past few weeks.  Wednesday officially begins my new chapter as "student" once again.  I'm looking forward to it - with a little hesitation in being twice the age of most of the people in the room.  But that's a story for another day.  :)

Wrapping up as Temporary Music Director

As of December 31, I wrapped up my role as Temporary Music Director for ORUUC.  But not before a few final lessons could be learned!

On Monday, Dec 22, the day before our Solstice Concert, I came down with the flu.  Like, the real flu - where I went to the clinic and got a swab up my nose to find out that I had Flu A.  Chills and fever and all that stuff they talk about on TV.  I won't lie, it SUCKED.  I spent three full days in bed, even with the Tamiflu.  I felt physically horrible and emotionally even worse.  I could not fulfill my commitment to host the Solstice Concert -- and I also wasn't able to attend Christmas Eve service.  I felt like I let my congregation down.  And I was also disappointed that I wouldn't be able to direct the choir in these two events.  It was heart-wrenching.

I was saved by several music heroes.  I'm calling them out in my blog because I'm just so darn appreciative of these people.  Michael Raymond took charge of logistics for both events.  Nancy Starr directed the choir pieces.  And Gina Grubb made sure the band was set up for success.  This team took over for me when all I could do was send emails from my phone on my sick bed.  And both events happened.  Music was made.  And although I was not a part of it, I felt like my planning contributed in some small way to making it all happen.

After I felt a bit better and was no longer contagious, I went into the ORUUC Music Office to pack my things and leave some helpful information (passwords, coming events, etc.) for our new Interim Music Director, Ashton.  It was bittersweet - feeling proud of what I've accomplished in keeping our music program moving for the past three months and really sad to let go.  This role has confirmed my calling ... and I will always be grateful for that.

This past Sunday was spent in meetings with Ashton, describing responsibilities and the status of various projects.  Then, as my final act as Music Director, I directed the choir in a Christmastide Festival.  It's a way for our local church choirs to get together and hear the pieces performed around town during the holidays.  And although 15 or 16 of our choir members had said they would be available, the flu and other illnesses are still going around... so 8 showed up.  That might freak out other Music Directors, but looking at those who were willing to sing, I knew we'd be alright.  I decided to sing along, too.  And, thankfully, I got used to directing from within a group when I led our a cappella choir in high school - so head nod cut offs come naturally.  Our small ensemble of 9 (Nancy, April, Annie, Linda, Michael, Dave, Larry, Duane, and me), accompanied by our wonderful pianist Charlotte, rocked the Christmastide Festival with tight harmonies and accurate cut offs.  It was a fitting - and beautiful - way to transition from leader to choir member. Thank you all.

And that brings me to this week.  This week, I don't have to organize or prepare or direct anything for ORUUC Music.  My music classes don't start for two more weeks.  Other than my regular Monday evening and Wednesday evening commitments, my schedule is open.  So, I'm trying to enjoy this brief downtime.  Anyone wanna do lunch?

God is a River (a.k.a. How I'll survive the next week)

"God is a River," Peter Mayer sings.  And that, friends, is how I'm able to keep myself sane during what for most folks would be extremely stressful.

This past week, a prominent member of our congregation and our local community, Tim Myrick, passed away after battling cancer.  Tim, in the midst of his fight, planned for his own memorial service.  And I, in my role as Temporary Music Director, got the great honor and privilege to carry out his wishes.  I can't tell you how deeply moved I am to be given this task in my final days serving ORUUC.  I am also really proud of our musicians, who have stepped in to learn new music to prepare for the memorial service today.

This was probably the most meaningful thing I've ever done in my life.  To honor someone of such character with music he wanted his family and friends to hear in his memory.  To bring his beloved wife closer to him in that moment.  I feel such pride and honor to have been able to serve in this way.  I am reconnected with my calling in such a deeply powerful way.

Music helps us remember.  Music heals. Music comforts an aching heart.

Which brings me back to my point.  God is a River.

A few weeks ago, I made the comment to Michael Raymond (don't shoot me, Music Directors) that I  didn't really understand why the holidays are so stressful for Music Directors.  I felt like we were well coordinated and pretty solid going into the holidays. For ORUUC, this includes a solstice service (12/21), solstice concert (12/23), and Christmas Eve (12/24).

Within a few days of making this comment, I had a group drop out of our solstice concert (dropping us down by two songs) and received word that Tim's passing was on the horizon.  Unexpected events.  Things I hadn't planned for.  Because, well... God is a River.

So, as Peter Mayer so eloquently put it:

So I’m going with the flow now, these relentless twists and bends 

Acclimating to the motion, and a sense of being led  

And this river’s like my body now, it carries me along  

Through the ever-changing scenes and by the rocks that sing this song 

Oh, the "ever-changing scenes" I've experienced this week.  Lots of rehearsals for the memorial service and upcoming holiday events, including my final Wednesday night choir rehearsal directing the choir.  I went from the memorial service this afternoon directly to back-to-back KSO Holiday Concerts.  I registered for classes in January and bought my books, one of which has already been delivered.  I lit the menorah with my family.  I've been grumpy.  I've been ecstatic.  I've been overjoyed.  I've been sad.  I've been worried.  I've been proud.  Above all, I've been confident that this calling is deeply connected to my soul.

I'm looking forward to Solstice Concert and Christmas Eve services this week.  Then, I'm looking forward to a nap.

Last Week (12/7 - 12/14)

Wow, last week was fun!  There were kids singing with drums, guitars, bass, piano, and adults!  There was opening the holiday season with a sing-a-long for Handel's Messiah!  There were moments of quiet reflection in the beauty of ensemble singing.  The whole week... just incredible.

Let me break it down for you.  This is taken directly from my (handwritten) journal entry after the performance with the kids on 12/7.

Aaaaaaaaa!  So fun!  What a joy to conduct the kids choir, band, and choir at the same time.  I don't think I'll forget that experience anytime soon.  I did take away that I need to get closer to the choir to give instructions when it's that busy and to remember to turn around and smile and show off the group when I'm done.  I forgot both of these things!  Also, it's important to know that everyone can see you.

Right after the big song, I spent time with our earth-based spirituality group, EMBERS.  It was really meaningful for me to be invited into the circle to help teach and tweak several chants for their upcoming solstice service.  And, thankfully, chants don't require any piano proficiency on my part.  :)

Then, it was off to sell pizza for our band fundraiser.  We're raising money for an electronic drum kit, so our percussion can be better balanced through our house sound system.  It was a great success - we raised several hundred dollars - but I had to chuckle as I took out trash all dressed up when we were cleaning up!

I think I managed to go home for about an hour before I had to be back at church for the Messiah Sing-a-long.  The sound of chorus and orchestra together in our space is really lovely.  I also had a solo ("Come Unto Him"), which helped ground me in remembering my own voice.  Afterwards was a reception and it was so nice to spend time munching on sweets with everyone.

Later in the week, I enjoyed singing with the Knoxville Chamber Chorale for our Christmas concert.  Thankfully, Josh took a video so you can all enjoy this moment of, "Aaaaaaaaahhh" in your holiday season.

http://youtu.be/ZTa8SmXnGoo

The week ended with sitting in an advisor's office, putting my schedule together to start music classes in January.  Yes, friends, it's back to school for me!  Stay tuned -- I am sure there are many more blog posts to come about what I learn in class.

I'll end with this thought I had while watching our "Sorta Singers" group rehearse.  They invited me to their rehearsal to give feedback before they performed in service the next day.  As I listened, I couldn't help but think, "What a life I have.  Who gets to live the life that they were hoping for so soon after they heard it calling?  I feel like I was given this beautiful gift."  All of their music centered around Hanukkah and I, for one, am enjoying the light I have been able to find in this cold, dark winter.

With Thanks...

It's the end of November and I have so much to be grateful for.  So consider this both an update and a list of all of the many things I have been thankful for this month.

I am thankful...

... that talking to kids about music is not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.  First, I spent an hour talking about music and singing and dancing and conducting with the Girl Scouts.  Then, I started working with a kids choir for the church.  We've got a good group of about 15 kids who, so far, are very enthusiastic and humor me when I quiz them on the lyrics or cup my hand to my ear like I can't hear them.  A couple of them even came back for the second rehearsal!

... for Stevie Wonder bringing his tour within driving distance -- and for Nancy and Deidre who agreed to a ridiculous down-and-back in one night schedule so I could show up for church on Sunday morning.  I have such a hard time describing my overwhelming joy in attending this concert.  Incredible is not nearly a strong enough word.  For close to 3.5 hours, he and his musicians entertained in a way that surpassed all of my expectations.  I took a few short videos of all of my favorite songs just to remind me of what it was like to be there, in that moment.  I also bought a t-shirt.  And a mug. I'm serious when I say it's the single greatest live event I've ever attended.

... for opportunities to perform myself this holiday season. It's a nice break from music that I have to select or prepare or conduct or organize.  I'll have concerts in the coming weeks with the Knoxville Chamber Chorale (Dec. 4 & 11), Messiah Singalong (Dec. 6 & 7), and Knoxville Choral Society (Dec. 19-21).

... that I got the opportunity to attend several workshops and a reading session with Dan Forrest.  It's a really enlightening experience to hear a composer discuss his pieces and his process.  To perform his  works with a 200-voice choir, orchestra and the composer on piano - now that's just amazing.  Add to the weekend a couple of meals with fellow KCS folks and you've got something really special.

... for the physical strength to keep my body moving despite my sometimes grueling schedule.  I ran my first 10K this week and was really proud of the accomplishment.  I plan to race again in the Spring, but for now my goal is to keep up regular exercise to maintain this level of energy.

... for finally figuring out the first steps in my music education.  I decided to start at the local community college (Pellissippi) to pick up basic music education (ear training, music theory) before moving on to another local program to finish the bachelors degree.  I feel like this gives me the best flexibility for now - close to home, lots of class times to choose from, and less expensive.

... for a "day job" that is incredibly supportive of this new journey.  I have been showered with recognition of my one-year service anniversary with Humana and my boss encourages me to fulfill  my dreams and passions.  I've been so lucky to keep my salaried job while exploring this new music ministry career.

... for a family that is loving, supportive, and -best of all- independent.  I have kids who take responsibility for their own breakfast in the morning, their homework in the afternoon, and their bedtime rituals in the evening.  I have a daughter who can entertain herself at the church while I'm working and a son who is old enough to stay home and get his work done.  I have an endlessly patient husband who has doubled the nights each week that he has to take care of the kids because of the new schedule.  We went three solid weeks before I could squeeze in a trip to the grocery store and they've been real troopers about it.  (I promise, we've gone grocery shopping now!)

... that, in this time of gratitude and holiday, I was able to take Thursday and Friday off of work from both of my jobs to concentrate on my family.  I didn't even answer an email for two days.  I took time to remember that, in the midst of pursuing my calling, I can't forget my priorities.  I am rooted in the love of my husband, my kids, and my parents.

And, as I said at the dinner table on Thanksgiving...
... that I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.

October 2014

I feel like I've lived a lifetime in the month since my last post.  It's been a whirlwind of activity with emotional extremes so powerful that I'm just now able to sit and process all that has happened.  I'll try to capture the highlights here, but there's just so much more to say than I can reasonably expect people to read.

A month ago, on a Tuesday evening, four ORUUC music leaders were pulled into a room for an emergency meeting.  We were told that our Music Director (and my mentor - see earlier blog posts) had been fired and that we were now tasked with carrying out the music program for the near future.  We started by processing the overwhelming emotions that come with such an unexpected loss, then moved into practical decision-making about upcoming music events and services.

It was Tuesday.  Our service that Sunday would be the first one in our new location.  The choir was scheduled to sing to mark the occasion.  The newly formed "Music Team" made our first decision - to let the choir decide whether they still wanted to sing on the opening Sunday -- and if they decided to sing, I would direct them.  So, as I acknowledged my hurt, anger, and fear, I stood in the mirror figuring out how to conduct pieces for Sunday, in case the choir wanted to sing.  On Wednesday night, the choir heard the news of Wendel's departure.  Then, they rose to the deeper purpose of serving our congregation through song.  And there I stood, with less than 24 hours to practice and deal with my own emotions, leading my first choir rehearsal.  

My emotional state that first week can best be described as a "roller coaster".  On one hand, I was experiencing the significant loss of my friend and mentor.  As part of the terms of his dismissal, congregation members had been asked not to reach out to Wendel for two years, So, the person who I had been leaning on most for support, the person who sparked this musical passion inside me, the person who I consider a significant catalyst to my calling... was just gone.  And that was overwhelmingly painful.  On the other hand, I felt a deep sense of responsibility to make sure that ORUUC's music program continued to serve our congregation with excellent and eclectic music.  I renewed my determination to live out my calling by supporting our church community through musical leadership.  

Before I knew it, I was enveloped by love and support from so many people.  The choir, who from the beginning has cheered me on through my less-than-perfect conducting patterns.  The music team, who put their trust in me to lead the choir and take charge of many aspects of the music program.  My friends near and far, who have listened to me vent as well as celebrate.  My newest Music Director mentors, who seemed to come out from everywhere when I needed an ear.  My family, who have supported my seemingly endless hours of time at church.  Musicians and members at ORUUC, who offer their assistance and praise in so many ways.  It was being held in this light that carried me through such a difficult first few weeks.

Reflecting back, I take great pride in all our music program has been able to accomplish in this past month...

We opened a new building, moving music files and equipment, serenading a parade of members walking from our old location to our new one, and - of course - providing music for our opening Sunday.

Followed quickly by our "Week of Music" events - four nights of music leading up to our building dedication.  So many ORUUC musicians participated in this celebration -- and we had great attendance from our congregation and the wider community.  Our choir and house band really stepped it up, performing Thursday evening as well as both Sunday morning and Sunday afternoon on the day of our building dedication.  It was a very busy week for all of us.  Again, our musicians rose to their call to lend their talents in service to the congregation and community.  

Surviving those first few weeks, through the building dedication on October 19th, was the Music Team's initial goal on that first night we met.  So, to wake up on October 20th was a feeling of accomplishment.  But, it's far from over.  After all, every Sunday there is another service.

For now, I am honored to be the Temporary Music Director for ORUUC, working with the Music Team to ensure our music program successfully supports the spiritual growth of our congregation.  Through December 31st, I am living out my calling.  It is every bit as challenging and every bit as rewarding as I suspected it would be.  

2 for 1 Special - Part 2: Living the Dream

This past Sunday, through the remnants of my cold (see Part 1), I got the first taste of living my dream.  I directed the choir in a short hymn called "The Great Community".  My hands moved, I smiled, the choir sang, the congregation listened... It all happened. <Insert sigh of happiness>

It was an incredible day for my directing debut!  This was the last Sunday that we held services in our current location.  I'm looking forward to conducting the piece again next Sunday as we open our new building.

2 for 1 Special - Part 1: Ms. Dependable

Just about anyone who knows me will gladly tell you: I'm Ms. Dependable.  If you need someone to show up, someone to get it done, someone to come prepared - you've come to the right place.  It's part of my identity, my core.

So, imagine what happened this week when I caught a cold and couldn't follow through on a gig with my friends - a gig that we've been rehearsing for months.  A gig that ended up being postponed. I felt horrible.  And, it was a decision that I couldn't even make myself. I had to basically be told to stop trying and start resting!  What a foreign concept.

When I tried to explain to my 8-year-old this situation - someone else canceling our gig because I was sick, she said, "That's so nice."  Which is when I realized - sometimes friends take care of you, even when you refuse to be helped.

I have been pushing myself lately - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I needed some down time and my body tried really hard to tell me that.  I wouldn't listen.  But my friends, they listened.  And, kicking and screaming, I went to bed -- thinking there was NO WAY I could possibly fall asleep.  After all, I'm not sick...

Zzzzzzzz....

I'm still fighting off the end of the cold, but I had several nights and one full day where I've done nothing but sleep.  It's been marvelous and rejuvenating.  I think I'll do it again some time.  :)

An Emotional Day

Today... was an emotional day.  As in, real tears and stuff.  Stuff that I am not used to, but slowly progressing toward becoming more open with.

Nancy Mathias and I led service this morning.  We shared our stories about our experience to UUMN this summer.  We shared our life-changing moments.  For weeks, we've been preparing - selecting the music, rehearsing with the band, picking just the perfect words to open the service, and writing our testimonials. It's a lot of work to plan a service, but being so emotionally vested in it made us work that much harder.  We wanted to share an experience, not just a story.  And from the feedback we received, I think we achieved that.

But it meant sharing this story - my story of my journey toward becoming a UU Music Director - aloud.  And that was really emotional for me.  It's much easier to type my story here in the blog, where I can take a moment to breathe or shed a tear and no one sees it.  In front of our congregation, there's nowhere to hide.  It's opening myself to be vulnerable in a whole new way.  It was both challenging and rewarding.  Thank you to everyone who shared a comment with me after the service.  I treasure every word.

As if that weren't enough excitement for one day, our congregation ordained a new minister today, too!  She has been the Director of Faith Formation for many years and followed her calling to ministry.  I have to admit, I spent most of her ordination service crying because Tandy has had such a huge influence on my family.  It starts with the story I often tell about Tandy rescuing me at our first church retreat when our undiagnosed Aspie son had a melt down in the middle of the dinner line.  We were so embarrassed and ran off to our bunkhouse instead of eating dinner.  Next thing we know, Tandy is at the bunkhouse door with bread and butter, encouraging us to eat and calm down before we talk over what happened. It was one of the first moments that I felt supported and connected in our church community.

Tandy went on to support our family in so many ways as we struggled with our son... In RE classes, she worked to provide him with 1:1 mentor volunteers so that he could attend class without burdening the teachers.  And she provided classes on Love & Logic parenting, so we could be better equipped as parents.

Tandy also nurtured my spiritual growth through her role in our Celebration service.  It was my first experience in a contemporary, participatory worship format and Tandy made it accessible and welcoming.  It's a feeling I try to pass on to others through my role as a leader in the SPIRIT faith formation group.

There are so many other wonderful things I could mention about Tandy, but for now I'll just say that she's been incredibly inspiring to me.  And I was so proud to join our congregation in ordaining her today.

And there you have it.  Another day in and out of tears, celebrating my personal calling and the calling of those who mean so much to me.  Maybe one day soon it won't be so foreign for me to shed tears of joy, to be so powerfully moved that I can't help but cry.

For tonight, though, I'm emotionally exhausted.  Overjoyed, but spent.

Music Surrounds Me

Sometimes, I forget I have a day job.

You know, the one that pays me to develop corporate training.  The one that pays the bills and is financing this whole UU Music Director journey.

But it's really easy to forget when music surrounds me.  Take this past week for example.

Tuesday, I spent time with Nancy Mathias selecting music for an upcoming service at ORUUC.  (Nancy and I will be sharing our stories from the UUMN conference on 9/21 - join us!)  From there, I went to Westside UU Church to crash their choir rehearsal in an effort to understand the variety in choir sizes and demographics.  They welcomed me with open arms and I think I'll keep coming back.

Wednesday, I rehearsed with the ORUUC choir and band.  I led warm ups and rehearsed the choir on the piece I'll be conducting on 9/28.  The band is preparing to help Nancy and I with our service on 9/21 as well as a local community event (Taste of Oak Ridge) on 9/20.

Thursday, I went for an audition for the Knoxville Chamber Chorale, the small ensemble of the Knoxville Choral Society.  Immediately afterward, I headed to a rehearsal for the Vocal Big Band, a vocal jazz ensemble led by Wendel Werner.  We have a concert on 9/12 at the Square Room.

Friday, I met with one of my mentors, Nancy Starr.  We talked about preparing to apply for undergraduate music degree programs, music infrastructure (what to keep track of and how to keep track of it), and a bit of conducting.

Saturday, I met with my other mentor, Wendel.  We discussed the contrast of ORUUCs choir with Westside's - like how to address different needs by altering the rehearsal style.  We also talked about music degree programs in terms of who to talk to and how each program has a unique culture.  My mentor meeting was followed by a rehearsal with Wendel and Dave Dunkirk for a show we're doing at Remedy Coffee on 9/27.  The rehearsal was followed by another meeting with Wendel and Nancy Mathias, where we caught up on all things ORUUC Music to make sure we have all the logistics and volunteers coordinated for upcoming events.

Today, I staffed the Music and SPIRIT booths in the ORUUC Activities Fair.  We got a couple new names for the choir, which is very exciting!  (Come sing with us!)  I spent the afternoon in another Vocal Big Band rehearsal.  Then I came home to rehearse for another audition tomorrow for the Chorale as well as music for leading Westside's rehearsal on Tuesday night.

Tomorrow it starts all over again.  I have a music rehearsal or performance every day from now until Sept. 24, with the notable exception of Sept 19, when I'll enjoy Namoli Brennet singing at ORUUC instead.  (Tickets are still available at oruuc.org/events.)

Sometimes I forget I have a day job.